Since I decided to be brutally honest on my blog I decided to share with you the experience of being fat in society. Fair warning: it’s not a nice one. My size has been life defining. I have always been seen as just the fat girl. I was a fat baby and my mum said to me that I was the living proof that breastfed babies can be fat. As a kid I was pudgy and through many many diets I managed to get to “normal” weight in my teens but my thighs were always massive and even in that Since I decided to be brutally honest on my blog I decided to share with you the experience of being fat in society. Fair warning: it’s not a nice one. My size has been life defining. I have always been seen as just the fat girl. I was a fat baby and my mum said to me that I was the living proof that breastfed babies can be fat. As a kid I was pudgy and through many many diets I managed to get to “normal” weight in my teens but my thighs were always massive and even in that time I was seen as the big girl.
I didn’t get to wear fashionable clothes and I always felt out of place. At parties I would be hiding away in a corner until I didn’t even want to go at all. Don’t get me wrong, I always had many friends but I was far from being “popular”.
At home things were sometimes quite bad and I suffered from bad anxiety so the only place I felt that I really belonged was with my horse who also had his own weight issues (despite only eating hay and grass and a handful of grains). Animals did not judge me and were my true friends no matter what. After school I’d walk our dog for two hours and enjoy the solitude of the woods. I would listen to music and daydream.
Once I graduated I went to Canada for half a year, where I joined Weight Watchers for the second time in my life with no success. The problem is that society sees fat people as lazy. I went to aerobics, I walked our dog, I mucked out stables, cycled to the stables often and rode horses (for as long as my weight allowed it). Then I started studying and I had to adjust to living in a city. I never liked having many people around me (go figure, humans are horrible!) but I found lots of new friends, who accepted and loved me the way I was. And so I embraced my new life, still trying to avoid parties because you don’t want to be the fat girl at a party. I walked everywhere and I joined different gyms and still I got fatter.
And because people are so disgusted by fat people and I was stupid enough to care what other people thought about me, I ended up attempting suicide in my early twenties. I felt so alone, so unlovable and above all I felt like a freak. I have a very distinct personality and nowadays I pride myself on not being normal. If normal means making people miserable for who they are I don’t want any part of it. Well I guess we all know that I was rather unsuccessful in taking my own life though I took a shitload of pills (my mistake was adding aspirin: made me puke out everything and also could have caused kidney failure as aftermath). I spent some days in the emergency room feeling like shit, being upset that I was still here but even more upset that I caused so much pain to the people who love me. I convinced the doctor I was at no further risk to stay out of the psychiatric ward and went on with my life.
Shortly after I did, however, go to see a psychiatrist who recommended I’d do a trauma therapy to come to terms with my past and a behaviour therapy to start learning to cope with the present. But proud and busy as I was, I did neither. I just started taking anti depressants which at first made me feel like a robot. I felt like all my emotions had been swept away. No more crying myself to sleep but also no more joy. So of course I just stopped taking them without consulting anyone and I crashed. I was in Ireland at the time.
But I recovered and have been stable for the past years. I have been keeping quiet on the topic of being fat and on mental health for far too long because I was afraid. Afraid of all those disgusting comments I have been reading under articles over the years. But I am here to tell you this: It is MY struggle, not yours. In fact, it is none of your fucking business. I will not have anyone else judge me or comment on my body. I will not miss out on adventures anymore because I fear sweating in front of people or getting a red head. I will go to the gym and swimming and never give a fuck what anyone is thinking.
I have received many hurtful comments over the years, the most recent being something along the lines of “In order for guys to sleep with you, you need to tie them up or shoot them.” It was said jokingly but as we all know every joke contains a truth the person actually believes in. It was even more painful since it came from a person I believed to be above all that “defining someone by their looks” but apparently not. Those kind of people (suffering from low self-esteem themselves) will always go for skinny girls to validate their normalcy. To all my fellow fatties out there: There are a lot of guys who will love you (if you let them), who will have sex with you and who will make you feel beautiful.
The most frequent comment is “You have such a pretty face but…” or “You could be so pretty if…” or even better “we are just concerned for your health. Let me tell you this: People are not concerned for your health! They are merely worried about their own/society’s notion of aesthetics and quite frankly they can go and fuck themselves for they are pathetic puppets. I always wonder why people feel the need to comment at all? Do they think I am blind? Do they think I don’t know I am overweight? Do they think I haven’t tried to loose weight? Do they think I’m dumb? Do they think it doesn’t bother me always falling short when being compared to other girls?
I have been living in a cage, a cage that kept me from enjoying myself, from going to the doctor’s out of fear of judgement, from being myself. But I am done! I am freeing myself and I will not go back. I always assumed I don’t deserve love, most of all I don’t deserve my own love. But I have come to realize I am worthy. And as I read somewhere „My body has done so much more for me than other people have.“ So either you see me for what I am, a kind, opinionated, bossy, moody person with a big heart and far too many emotions or you can stay away without getting all up in my business. I don’t think people realise how hurtful their comments can be but it’s time they did. I was hesitant to write all this since there are people who have to put up with so much more but it needed to be said. People beed to know that words have power – destructive power but also healing power. Let’s all try to be kinder!
You still think I’m a fat lazy ugly pig?! Well, you are probably right but this pig is happy as a pig in shit! You still want to measure my worth with a scale?! Well, measure away because this phoenix is rising from it’s ashes and is ready to fight for a better life! A life worth living!
Ps. There is good in the world haha. So I want to take this opportunity to thank some amazing people who have come into my life and who have accepted me the way I am. Who have seen me for my personality not my size. Who have been there for me and given me strength and loved me no matter what.